One Bite...

She never ate meat. She was raised this way. For no particular reason other than her parents always believed that animal protein was unhealthy. They had no moral or religious reason for not eating it other than that. She had eaten meatballs before…um but the “meat” balls she ate were made from tofu, nuts, bread crumbs, and spices.

 She was going to be the Maid of Honor at her best friend’s wedding. Unfortunately, the rehearsal dinner was going to be served in her friend’s family traditional manner. And that was to only serve meat and nothing else; all kinds of meat from all kind of animals. Pig, cow, lamb, goat, chicken, turkey….and who the hell knows what else. She always liked the smell of good meat cooking, but, of course, never would partake in it.

  It was time for the rehearsal dinner and she has decided out of “respect” for her best friend’s family tradition, she would go ahead eat the darn meat. She thought hell one episode of eating it wasn’t going to completely obliterate the health she had built throughout her life of not eating it. She thought it smelled good, so she believed hell yeah, it would taste good too!

  She is sitting at the table in the great big mansion that was owned by her best friend’s parents. The surroundings were delightful and the cooking aromas were enticing.

  She’s a little nervous and also she didn’t eat anything all day because she wanted to make sure she was absolutely starving to assist in her ability to actually eat the animal flesh and muscle that was to be served.

  The staff hired for the occasion assembled the beasty meal. Steaming platters of meat were placed upon the middle of the large table. The guests began to pass the plates and she decides to take a bit of each kind of meat that was passed her way and put it on her plate. Once her plate was full it was time to take that first little bite……

…….she cut a bit of beef and stabbed it slowly with her fork and brought it slowly to her lips

and opened her mouth and put it inside placing it behind her teeth and onto her tongue.

  She began to chew cautiously ….oh boy it was kind of spicy she thought. The pain on her tongue startled her and then she started to cough because her throat felt like it was on fire. Oh craaaap!!! she thought, she couldn’t breath…she forcefully spit the bit of meat out onto the crisp white tablecloth as she heard the other guests gasp in horror.

  She brought both hands up to her throat and she noticed it was swelled up like a huge flesh bubble. Her eyes felt sweltering and began to water profusely and there was a loud ringing in her ears and her heart was pounding painfully against her chest as she felt someone beating her hard on the back.

  Then someone else suddenly came up behind her and jerked her off of her chair and was pushing her stomach forcefully. But she wasn’t choking damn it! Her eyes gaped down at the piece of bloody meat that was on the table cloth on top of the red spit stain DAMN IT!

  Her last thought before the blackness befell her was “the meat did not just make me unhealthy; it killed me.”

  She got out of eating the celebration meal of meat by her unwelcome death.

  It was discovered during the autopsy of “she” that there existed a severe anaphylactic allergy to Melengesterol Acetate which is a synthetic growth promoter (the hormone chemical that makes cattle grow faster thus able to be slaughtered younger).

Originally Posted on August 27, 2010

Sovereign Orb

I am not really dead.

I felt the first cut right below the knee as it sliced hotly through my flesh and severed my leg completely off. Blood poured from the stump in warm pulsing waves as I fell to the ground like a rag doll, limp and completely helpless....

My perpetrator laughed and roared in a demonic way as he brought the sharp weapon down again into the side of my soft defenseless stomach. The hot metallic taste of blood and bile spewed up and filled my mouth as I tried to scream, but only managed a weak gurgle, as I spit up the contents previously held within....

My throat ripped in pain as a deep gash was cut and completely demolished my wind pipe...

Some unknown weapon then powerfully punctured my right eye completely obliterating it....

I am on the ground, in a pool of blood and slime - all that remains in tact is my left eye as it clearly sees the ax continue to rise and fall as if in slow motion, transforming my being into a chopped up pile of hot human goo...

But my light still does not fade as I can still see clearly...sharply from my left eye.  My futile murderer is now walking away, and it was then that I realized with trepidation, that my eye was....autonomous. 

Originally Posted on May 12, 2010

Call the Cleanup Crew!

Originally posted on April 22, 2010
This is based on actual events - please press play and read on...

 

Ever hear of Stretch Armstrong?

It’s a doll that stretches and stretches and you can pretty much do whatever to it and sh*t and it’s supposed to be pretty indestructible.

About 40K of these dolls were manufactured in the mid to late 70’s and then it stopped and surprisingly enough over 20 years later in the year 2000 the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled the toys, but it’s said that none were returned.  They claimed it posed a threat of strangulation as one of the doll limbs, when fully extended of up to 8 feet, can easily be wrapped around a child’s neck…wow I mean can you imagine this actually happening? There were also rumors that putting Stretch in the oven would result in a radioactive explosion, or, if placed on ones head too long, would constrict and cause mental retardation….which is exactly what I think happened to this guy.

In the late 70’s they started making Stretch Monster…cool….me like monsters!!

Okay people this just looks obscene - doesn't it?  Let's not pair up Stretch with the Monster eh?  Check out this kid's face...I mean wow, he looks like he's gonna pop a blood vessel AND poop in his little 1970's pants...oh yeah and he also looks kinda like Spock, don't he?

Anyway....

In the 90’s they introduced Fetch Armstrong. This is like Stretch Armstrong, but it’s a dog…yeah that why it’s called Fetch…how damn creative, huh? Yay!  Ruff Ruff!

Over the years many other characters of Stretch were made but not gonna get into all of them here…so…

I had Stretch and yeah I know I am a girl so what the efing hell was I doing with this thing?  Well, I was the youngest of 4, and I was spoiled rotten to the core with every single toy in the entire world, whether it be made for boys or girls - if I wanted it I freaking got it.  So there.

I had fun dressing it up in my creepy doll clothes too haha. Well we would have a lot of fun with this thing, just trying to mutilate it…and one summer day in the late 70’s my friend Lynn and I were at my house. She picked up Stretch and said she was always wondering what was inside the thing…well I was curious too as to what kind of gooey mess was in there so I gave her permission to cut the doll open with some scissors. I was tired of the stupid thing anyway. So she sliced into the chest in a childlike performance of disembowelment and inside was this red stuff that looked like thick blood….

So you can guess what happened next….

….my friend extruded some of the stuff out and put it in her mouth; I tried to stop her by (ahem) softly saying “no no no don’t do that you will prollly get siiiick” but I don’t think she heard me, but I did give it an honest effort. So she started chewing…yaw yaw yaw like a hunk of Bubblicious bubble gum- she said, wow this tastes pretty good, kind of like cherries and milk! WTF? Cherries and whaaa?

And then her mouth started foaming really bad,

so I ran for something to wipe up the mess. When I returned, holy hell, she looked like a monster! Both of her legs were swollen like tree trunks

and there was red and white foam everywhere from her spewing some of it was even on the wall in back of her; I must say I have no idea how it possibly could have gotten on the wall behind her? She tried to walk but her heavy leg limbs were dragging like she was wearing two heavy casts…looked pretty funny actually.

I wonder if these guys ate some of that stuff….well…maybe…you never know now do ya?

I screamed for my mom and she called 911. I looked at her feet in horror as her sandals busted open from the swelling and her toenails started popping off (sorry Bungle baby). It was like a freaky Willy Wonka scene. I was smiling sheepishly as that’s one of my favorite movies.

The guys came to take her away to the hospital and her dad took over from there. They had to pump her stomach out and tap her limbs to drain the fluids…but she turned out okay…. 



Fish heads...

...eat them up...yum.