Call the Cleanup Crew!

Originally posted on April 22, 2010
This is based on actual events - please press play and read on...

 

Ever hear of Stretch Armstrong?

It’s a doll that stretches and stretches and you can pretty much do whatever to it and sh*t and it’s supposed to be pretty indestructible.

About 40K of these dolls were manufactured in the mid to late 70’s and then it stopped and surprisingly enough over 20 years later in the year 2000 the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled the toys, but it’s said that none were returned.  They claimed it posed a threat of strangulation as one of the doll limbs, when fully extended of up to 8 feet, can easily be wrapped around a child’s neck…wow I mean can you imagine this actually happening? There were also rumors that putting Stretch in the oven would result in a radioactive explosion, or, if placed on ones head too long, would constrict and cause mental retardation….which is exactly what I think happened to this guy.

In the late 70’s they started making Stretch Monster…cool….me like monsters!!

Okay people this just looks obscene - doesn't it?  Let's not pair up Stretch with the Monster eh?  Check out this kid's face...I mean wow, he looks like he's gonna pop a blood vessel AND poop in his little 1970's pants...oh yeah and he also looks kinda like Spock, don't he?

Anyway....

In the 90’s they introduced Fetch Armstrong. This is like Stretch Armstrong, but it’s a dog…yeah that why it’s called Fetch…how damn creative, huh? Yay!  Ruff Ruff!

Over the years many other characters of Stretch were made but not gonna get into all of them here…so…

I had Stretch and yeah I know I am a girl so what the efing hell was I doing with this thing?  Well, I was the youngest of 4, and I was spoiled rotten to the core with every single toy in the entire world, whether it be made for boys or girls - if I wanted it I freaking got it.  So there.

I had fun dressing it up in my creepy doll clothes too haha. Well we would have a lot of fun with this thing, just trying to mutilate it…and one summer day in the late 70’s my friend Lynn and I were at my house. She picked up Stretch and said she was always wondering what was inside the thing…well I was curious too as to what kind of gooey mess was in there so I gave her permission to cut the doll open with some scissors. I was tired of the stupid thing anyway. So she sliced into the chest in a childlike performance of disembowelment and inside was this red stuff that looked like thick blood….

So you can guess what happened next….

….my friend extruded some of the stuff out and put it in her mouth; I tried to stop her by (ahem) softly saying “no no no don’t do that you will prollly get siiiick” but I don’t think she heard me, but I did give it an honest effort. So she started chewing…yaw yaw yaw like a hunk of Bubblicious bubble gum- she said, wow this tastes pretty good, kind of like cherries and milk! WTF? Cherries and whaaa?

And then her mouth started foaming really bad,

so I ran for something to wipe up the mess. When I returned, holy hell, she looked like a monster! Both of her legs were swollen like tree trunks

and there was red and white foam everywhere from her spewing some of it was even on the wall in back of her; I must say I have no idea how it possibly could have gotten on the wall behind her? She tried to walk but her heavy leg limbs were dragging like she was wearing two heavy casts…looked pretty funny actually.

I wonder if these guys ate some of that stuff….well…maybe…you never know now do ya?

I screamed for my mom and she called 911. I looked at her feet in horror as her sandals busted open from the swelling and her toenails started popping off (sorry Bungle baby). It was like a freaky Willy Wonka scene. I was smiling sheepishly as that’s one of my favorite movies.

The guys came to take her away to the hospital and her dad took over from there. They had to pump her stomach out and tap her limbs to drain the fluids…but she turned out okay…. 



Fish heads...

...eat them up...yum.